New year? Same problems.

Yes, I've been more sociable and I've let go of the notion of, well, him. Not really, it's far too soon but I'm making progress. I just can't be exposed to any triggers of him. All right I'm far from forgetting him, but I'm good at suppressing my thoughts of him for the short-term. It's been so long since I've posted, mainly because I've been lazy but also because my life seems so bleak whenever I post.

All right so I'll give an update on my life:

On Thursday the twenty-eighth of February, it was our so-called "One Year, One Month" anniversary. It was also the day that I stormed out of his car in the pouring rain, with angry tears streaming down my face. I'd avoided all eye-contact with my dad who just so happened to be washing his car outside and ran upstairs, straight into the shower-place. Yes, that was the day that we'd also parted to our separate ways. It's been nearly a month since I've left him in the past ... but you know the clichéd saying which runs along the lines of 'the past will come and haunt you'? That's a massive understatement.

I'll give you a few scenarios which have occurred as evidence:

Scenario One: A few weeks ago, I went to a party with two mates and I ended up going home later than I'd expected. I hadn't been checking my phone until the point that I'd decided to leave. Looked at my phone - xx number of missed calls from: Fifi, Dad, and ... him. What. Turns out, my Dad was so frantic that he looked up my phone bill and called the people I'd texted/called the most in hope of finding my whereabouts. He was mad and annoyed that I was "still so immature so as to not notify my Dad of my whereabouts even at my age". HMM. I wonder why I even went to the party in the first place?

Scenario Two: Last Friday I went to my ... well "friend's" house to "chill". By friend I mean a friend with whom you have ... alright I'll be crude and say sex on a regular basis without any emotional attachment. So my FWB lives in a house with a few people of the similar age. One of which being his close friend (who is female). I knew about her being the owner of the house very early on and had notified my FWB. So my FWB told her after she questioned him as to why he hadn't introduced me to her even after my many visits to her house (for safety and ethical reasons). Then he spilled. So later, she went to him and told him that I was at her house earlier that day. For some unknown reason, her phone cut off straightaway. Immediately afterwards, he started calling me and asking me why I was at her house. I told him that I was just visiting a friend, that this had nothing to do with him, and that it was just purely a coincidence. It was later that I understood why he was so curious. He started texting me and asking me if my FWB was the guy I was seeing, to which I replied, "It's not really your business but no, he's not." He then replied with a, "Oh I'm just curious."

I don't know what to make of this!

What do I do now? And to top this, my FWB is probably the worst rebound I could ever have because all we share are the physical things. We enjoy each other's company in both platonic and non-platonic ways but we share absolutely no romantic feelings toward each other. So literally, he is but a friend who gives me benefits. So I'm back to square one when I'm alone. I think of him. I get really melancholy and nostalgic. I miss him so much! But on the other hand, I know I'm one hundred per cent sure that I'll never get back together with him. So I'm in an awful situation right now, trying to move on in albeit the wrong way, trying to focus on other things which end up fucking me over i.e. everything I say and do seems so shallow these days, always focusing on myself and my problems, small achievements etc. I have grown into a more sociable person, yes, but I've developed a worse character.

Also, last week I went to see a shrink and told her that my main problem was self-esteem issues. She confirmed this whole-heartedly and yes, I still have this problem. I get intimidated by people really easily and I'm very unsure of the things I do, always looking for acknowledgement and the "thumbs up" because I am unsure of whether I'm doing things correctly or to the meta of the society.

I'm just very low at the moment. I feel like everyone's trying to help me but none of this help is getting through.

I've just been focusing on three things: my studies, Trance music and fast food.

It's sad.