General Ways to be Scum

- When you tell someone to back off from getting close to a friend because you 'have their best interests in mind' only because you want to fuck their friend.

- When someone tries so hard to justify your actions as 'all in the name of love' while you go behind the same person's back and turn everyone in the group against them.

- When that same person suggested that they'd wait with you for the hour needed for the trains to work at the train station (with the mutual friend) because she didn't want you to wait by yourself.

- When you get feelings for someone and make out with their best friend who has feelings for you for 15 minutes at an event as a 'hello'.

- When your ex was their other best friend and they had feelings for you up until recently too.

- When you try to bond with someone because you and them share the same common interests of:

• Manipulating people

- All of the above is scum-like behaviour. And so is me writing this.

I am free! I am free to live freely. Freedom.

EDITED ON 6/4/13: HAHAA I FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS.



Dear Johnathan,
I didn't delete any texts from the point we started again until now. I read through them all just now I realise how much I miss you and how many words I should have said to you.

You used to be the sole determinant of my emotions baby, yeah it doesn't feel right not calling you that when I'm clearly not over you. I miss you so much.

These days, I try to occupy myself until the latest time possible - until I fall asleep because any minute that I'm left standing alone is a minute used thinking about you, your smile, your jokes and your warm embrace. I'm trying really hard to focus on other things but you've got me on a very long leash and somehow, you've managed to pull me back so quickly. Just hearing your voice again last Friday sent me shivers and you rushed back into my mind once more, as if you never left. The past month that I've used to get over you? That was nullified by the sound of your voice. It's getting worse, day by day, every second of loneliness equalling an extra puzzle piece of you being lodged in my brain, the thought of you screaming like a speeding train towards me as time passes by.

I miss you so much baby. It's so hard right now. It hasn't even been a month.


Kind Regards,
Claudia Hu

New year? Same problems.

Yes, I've been more sociable and I've let go of the notion of, well, him. Not really, it's far too soon but I'm making progress. I just can't be exposed to any triggers of him. All right I'm far from forgetting him, but I'm good at suppressing my thoughts of him for the short-term. It's been so long since I've posted, mainly because I've been lazy but also because my life seems so bleak whenever I post.

All right so I'll give an update on my life:

On Thursday the twenty-eighth of February, it was our so-called "One Year, One Month" anniversary. It was also the day that I stormed out of his car in the pouring rain, with angry tears streaming down my face. I'd avoided all eye-contact with my dad who just so happened to be washing his car outside and ran upstairs, straight into the shower-place. Yes, that was the day that we'd also parted to our separate ways. It's been nearly a month since I've left him in the past ... but you know the clichéd saying which runs along the lines of 'the past will come and haunt you'? That's a massive understatement.

I'll give you a few scenarios which have occurred as evidence:

Scenario One: A few weeks ago, I went to a party with two mates and I ended up going home later than I'd expected. I hadn't been checking my phone until the point that I'd decided to leave. Looked at my phone - xx number of missed calls from: Fifi, Dad, and ... him. What. Turns out, my Dad was so frantic that he looked up my phone bill and called the people I'd texted/called the most in hope of finding my whereabouts. He was mad and annoyed that I was "still so immature so as to not notify my Dad of my whereabouts even at my age". HMM. I wonder why I even went to the party in the first place?

Scenario Two: Last Friday I went to my ... well "friend's" house to "chill". By friend I mean a friend with whom you have ... alright I'll be crude and say sex on a regular basis without any emotional attachment. So my FWB lives in a house with a few people of the similar age. One of which being his close friend (who is female). I knew about her being the owner of the house very early on and had notified my FWB. So my FWB told her after she questioned him as to why he hadn't introduced me to her even after my many visits to her house (for safety and ethical reasons). Then he spilled. So later, she went to him and told him that I was at her house earlier that day. For some unknown reason, her phone cut off straightaway. Immediately afterwards, he started calling me and asking me why I was at her house. I told him that I was just visiting a friend, that this had nothing to do with him, and that it was just purely a coincidence. It was later that I understood why he was so curious. He started texting me and asking me if my FWB was the guy I was seeing, to which I replied, "It's not really your business but no, he's not." He then replied with a, "Oh I'm just curious."

I don't know what to make of this!

What do I do now? And to top this, my FWB is probably the worst rebound I could ever have because all we share are the physical things. We enjoy each other's company in both platonic and non-platonic ways but we share absolutely no romantic feelings toward each other. So literally, he is but a friend who gives me benefits. So I'm back to square one when I'm alone. I think of him. I get really melancholy and nostalgic. I miss him so much! But on the other hand, I know I'm one hundred per cent sure that I'll never get back together with him. So I'm in an awful situation right now, trying to move on in albeit the wrong way, trying to focus on other things which end up fucking me over i.e. everything I say and do seems so shallow these days, always focusing on myself and my problems, small achievements etc. I have grown into a more sociable person, yes, but I've developed a worse character.

Also, last week I went to see a shrink and told her that my main problem was self-esteem issues. She confirmed this whole-heartedly and yes, I still have this problem. I get intimidated by people really easily and I'm very unsure of the things I do, always looking for acknowledgement and the "thumbs up" because I am unsure of whether I'm doing things correctly or to the meta of the society.

I'm just very low at the moment. I feel like everyone's trying to help me but none of this help is getting through.

I've just been focusing on three things: my studies, Trance music and fast food.

It's sad.

What do you even like about me? You said it yourself - that I lack absolutely any social skills, I have no prospect, no future, am shallow because I can't sustain a deep conversation with you, I waste my time too much ... and that you're going to dump me at any second. This is hurting so much at the moment. You may look deep into my eyes, smile, and say, "You're beautiful, I love you," but do you carelessly threaten the person you love by saying that you'll leave her at any moment? Every second of my day that is left idle becomes a hurtful second because it's your words which consume my thoughts. I'm so scared, frightened, lack any self-esteem at the moment. You're perfect to me - you always know what to say to cheer me up but then on the other side of the coin, I think about the hurtful truth that you've conveyed to me. I know all of these flaws are real. They're all so real and they are all the problems that I have in the world. I thought that maybe ... somebody could accept me for who I was, with all these flaws that I am trying to fix. That we could grow together as people and as lovers - that we'd understand each other and build each other up with positive energy but instead you tell me that we're becoming too serious and that I'm a shallow person who doesn't make you happy. And that's the worst flaw of all. I feel so selfish for keeping you tied down like this.

What's wrong with me? I'm now a new-born emotional train wreck. Welcome to the Locomotive Carnage family, Claudia 'Chu chu' Hu!

I'm not lonely.

I know that I am not lonely because the Moon is here.
The Moon is bright and white
It likes to keep me company but is not very near
Its presence lasting only for the night
Still that's longer stay than everybody else dear.

It's true. Everyone's priorities don't include me within them. I don't belong to any group. I don't belong to any friendship circles. All I have is my lover - my lover, the Moon and me. But he has his own groups in which I should not intrude. Therefore I'm alone and left to wallow in self-pity. The Moon hears me and o, do I have nothing worthy to say!