I thought I'd never have to write in this blog again. I really hoped that the last post would be the final one. The omega. The end.
Obviously not.

My father doesn't love me. He tries to love me, but all he wants is the innocent five year old girl in pigtails and snotty hands, inquisitive and full of life.

I FUCKING DON'T WANT HUGS. I DON'T WANT AFFECTION. I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TOUCH ANYONE. FUCK DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE FAROUT. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TOUCH ME TO COMFORT ME. PISS OFF.

I hate how I threatened to slit my wrists and die but he just said a mere, "Okay, what does that prove?".
I don't know ... maybe it proves that I have depression? Haha. You are so funny dad. so funny. so funny i wish you could be more like this on a day to day basis haha. haha i broke my laptop because you dared me to. haha i tried breaking the monitor because you said it was sinful and was tempting me to go on social networking and games. haha my hand is swollen as i type this. do you even know what it means to be a father
you
are
not
merely a teacher
you are not
a classmate
or a lecturer
or a friend
or best friend
or master
or servant
or person who just gives me money and material possessions and then leaves me alone
or a person who criticises my every move
you
are
my
father
do
you
not
understand
?
One person is only meant to have one father. Some have two, three or even four. I have one. Plus the One above.
He doesn't understand that being a father is unique. I don't know. How do you be a father? A mystery. Like the omnipresent God.
Sorry.
I ... my wrist is bruised now.
Don't comment on this if you're reading - don't even show any signs that you've read it.
Don't ask if I'm okay or if you can maybe somehow help ...
It's okay.
Internally it hurts.
I can't grasp the fact that there are people like him in this world.
Or that there are people like me in this world ..
who won't be fully understood as I hide too many things
I think that as soon as someone tells a dry comment to me, that they hate me.
They do. They think I'm some wannabe caked person what.
Is that what I make myself to be like?
Yeah bad syntax wow still thinking about that in a time like this.
Yeah I'm caked. Yeah I'm a tryhard. Yeah I party every day what.
How could you guys think of me in that way?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK LIKE THAT?
DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT MY FACE AND SAY THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.
TYPICAL NSG or TYPICAL GIRL or TYPICAL GIRL WHO TRIES TO GET FRIENDS BY BEING FAKE
I AM NOT FAKE.
ASK ANYONE WHO uh actually I don't think anyone knows me oh well nevermind that.
Yeah just like, you can keep thinking like that if you want ... I'm not/can't stop you. My hand is swollen. My wristbone is bruised.
Haha sounding emo? No I only punched the LCD monitor don't worry not emo haha yeah I'm alright yeah okay.

Despondency is what surrounds me.
I feel like everything I say is meaningless.
WHY DO I SPEAK ANYWAY.
WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING?
IT'S SO STUPID. HOW DO MY VIEWS HELP ANYONE?
ARE THEY FUNNY?
Momentarily.
Momentary source of amusement. Har har.
And then.
I'm just a joker ... there is nothing else there.
So you can just turn to me when you're bored. 
And then I'm forgotten.
Or maybe, I'm not even that funny.
I try too hard to be funny eh?
No I don't even want to talk to anyone in this world.
I just want to pretend that I do ... and in order to do that, I just put on this facade.
Which facade? Don't know. Many. There are many.
AND WHY WOULD YOU
DO
THAT
TO ME
flirt with me
don't kill me like that
i'll start thinking you're actually interested
what a joke
you
are
too
good
too
good at your game
don't
do that
i know i do it.
but i'm just some lowly hypocritical girl with not an unique personality in sight
sometimes, i think that my personality is comprised of everyone whom i meet
Sometimes I think that I can, rather than communicating with 'normal' people, just talk to myself ... talk to one of the many personalities I have and have a delightful conversation.
That was a joke. What delightful conversation is possible with me?
WHY
ARE YOU SO STUPID
HOW CAN YOU THINK THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE A PERSONALITY
My back hurts from hunching
my neck hurts from using it
my wrists still feel bruised from two measly punches directed at the monitor, sorry monitor.
GO AWAY STOP MAKING ME THINK ABOUT YOU.
I DON'T EVEN LIKE YOU IN THAT WAY all I want is you to be there.
Selfish? Yeah. Pretty selfish.
I'll find solace in you.