You are the most cold-hearted woman, sick of being my mother now eh? Well guess what, you are really superficial believe it or not. You only look at what's in front of you, what you see, what you hear about me, from me, around me. You like to mold everything that you see and hear to your views. You don't look at things open-mindedly. Well guess what - every time you yell at me like that, my heart breaks. Because you don't understand, won't understand and you probably don't want to understand. Because you'll be wrong. Utterly wrong. You think I'm addicted to gaming, hiding my shame and saving myself from embarrassment, make-up? No. That's part of what to which I'm addicted. See? You don't even have an inkling as to what I'm addicted. You think there are fluctuations to my behaviour - I'm sometimes the sweetest daughter, very helpful and take initiative. On other occasions you think that I'm trying to become one of the juvenile delinquents that you see on the streets, the ones who clothe themselves in black, the ones who take drugs, sleep around and don't care about their llives. You think you're always right. And I agree, what you observe is correct. But what's inside of me? Nowhere near. Yes you'll say, "Oh you're probably depressed, that's because you're not stopping your addiction to make-up at an early age etc." Yes I'm pretty depressed sometimes. I've told you time and time again that I have low self-esteem. It's a recurring thing. Yes, it's happened since I entered teenage-hood but it's not "teenage angst" as some people would label it. Many women, men, old women, old men still suffer from my problem. Low self-esteem leads to depression and aimlessness. Pointing everything out to me won't solve anything. Pointing out that I'm wasting time in wearing make-up won't solve anything. I made an analogy to you about a smoker knowing that smoking was bad for them yet continuing to smoke. Why? I said. Because they were addicted, like you are to make-up, you had replied. Excuse me for a second but I am NOT addicted to make-up. If I could, I'd stop wearing ti immediately. But like every woman out there, I think I'm not very good-looking. That's one of the more minor problems. I also think I'm not very smart - I don't know how to use my 'talents', you would say. That's true. I don't. What do I do? Pray, you say. I'm not questioning the power of prayer but even prayer takes time. There are Christians who are depressed and some pull through, some don't. It's not a matter of lack-of-faith or not. These tragedies just happen. You can't blame depression on lack of faith, in other words. So I'm depressed, big deal. Yeah big deal, I'll just get on with life. There are too many people depressed these days, it's like as if it's part of the popular culture. In other words, you think I think it's 'cool' to be depressed. Trust me, I don't think it's cool. You think I'm a sheep who follows my smart friends who are headed in the completely wrong directions. They go to parties and drink and "sleep around" as you probably think. My friends don't party and drink unless there's a huge occasion or if it's not huge, they don't go there just to get drunk. They also don't sleep around. They are really nice people, although not very understanding, but nice. They are better than me, the Christian. They listen to their parents, have fights oh yes, but generally get along better than you and I. And you'll probably blame me for walking in the wrong direction again. I know I'm in the wrong direction but that's what depression does to you. It's really hard. You think I have a lot of friends? Quantity vs. Quality. I think I choose quality. I don't have quality. Because I've been in depression for what, 3, almost 4 years now? It's hard to strike up strong bonds with them. Even the concerned ones have a limit to how much concern they can give. So I'll sign off now, Mum. I truly am sorry but PLEASE try to understand me and not wipe it off as just plain depression. There is no such thing as 'just plain depression'. This is real. A real disease, a real condition. Sometimes it can be detrimental to one's health or even life threatening. Of course I wouldn't suicide but it really hurts Mum.