I AM A HEARTLESS BITCH.

How can I just stand there and watch people target people and like not do anything like what is wrong with me like I don't even act Christian anymore like if I were a strong Christian I would've broken them apart and told them to just let it be but like now it's getting really bad because after listening to like what they've done like I don't even know what I think of them anymore because the recounts of what they've done have overtaken my previous impression of them so like now I like dislike them but I don't want to because like they haven't done anything to me, why should I even feel this way but like what is wrong with me, I hate how I'm such a follower, following the majority, & not standing up for what I believe in and what I SHOULD think is right but what I SHOULD think is right ain't right anymore, I can't believe I'm still ENCOURAGING people to do that stuff while I say to myself, haha their lives are gone, they'll never have a future now, I'm glad I'm not like them but in reality, my life is quickly changing to become like theirs even though I'm only a decade and a half old, everything I do now could change what hypothetically could happen in the future and like those kids who do that stuff, I should be helping them so why aren't I helping but in contrary, encouraging them to do that stuff, why AM I SUCH A LOSER, WHY DO I TRY TO ACT LIKE WHAT I AREN'T TO PLEASE PEOPLE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I'M NOT AND EXACTLY WHAT I DON'T WANT TO BECOME BUT I'M PRETTY SURE I'VE JUST BECOME THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE IN THE WORLD BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT I PREACH NOT TO DO AND I KNOW THERE IS SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP ME BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY I DON'T GO TO THEM AND ASK FOR HELP BUT WHAT'S FRIGHTENING IS THAT I ACTUALLY DON'T REALLY WANT ANY HELP, PEOPLE THINK I'M ALL GOODY GOODY BUT LATELY THEIR IMPRESSION OF ME HAS CHANGED FOR THE WORSE, I WANT TO BE GOODY GOODY OHKAY, WHY AM I STRIVING SO HARD (or maybe i'm not striving at all) TO BE BADASS, WHAT GOOD DOES THIS DO TO ANYONE? NOTHING, BUT IN CONTRARY, IT CREATES A BAD IMAGE FOR WHAT I STAND FOR. I AM GOING DOWNHILL AND I DON'T SEEM LIKE I WANT TO STOP.

Just like today at karaoke. What did I do? Why, "sing" every song as loudly as I could of course. Yes, what the freak, she actually did that. Was the karaoke alone? No, there were about 20 people who were like, GTFO but didn't dare say it out aloud because A. No-one would hear them over me, B. I seemed intimidating. WELL OF COURSE I SEEMED INTIMIDATING, I WAS FREAKING SHOUTING. I WAS FREAKING SHOUTING AT EVERYONE. I was freaking on the edge of breaking down but stopped myself because I didn't want to embarrass my friend even more than I had already. Yes, I think I've SNAPPED tonight. I've snapped. I have mentally snapped. I'll never be the same again.